Fashion Forward

Let me say upfront that fashion is not high on my list of priorities (or areas of expertise). I like what I like because of the color, pattern, way it makes me feel, or that it actually fits what has been called my “disproportional lower half.” (And if that is the case, I’ll take two, please.) I don’t own anything created by a designer, unless the Daisy Fuentes line of big-girl jeans available (exclusively, I might add) at Kohl’s counts. I try to avoid malls. Something about the fluorescent lights, in-door play area, Kate Gosselin haircuts, and mall walkers frightens me. Not to mention those little kiosk (which is such a mall word) salespeople that are always trying to touch, lotion, or draw you in with the latest skin cream, clip-on ponytail, or hermit crab. And I don’t think I have ever bought anything at a boutique, but I do have some one-of-a-kind items from various thrift shops (where I do most of my shopping, in my one-woman protest against consumerism and waste). Nothing in my closest or on my shoe rack cost me over $40. In fact, the outfit I am wearing as I write this cost me approximately $14.00 pretax (underwear and bra not included, but rest assured that those aren't anything you can't find at Target or in a pack of 3).

But I am clean, groomed, matched, and well-put together (most days). As we all should, I have my own personal style.

And, as usual, I also have a few opinions to share. (Can’t say I didn’t warn you.)

With that disclaimer, listed below are some of my fashion pet-peeves as of late, in no particular order. Things that have just been rubbing me the wrong way, like my thighs under a skirt on a long walk.

‘Tis the Season
Seasons change and so should your clothes - for obvious reasons, like preventing hypothermia or heat stroke. Dress for the season, not all seasons. I am not saying you need to have separate winter and summer wardrobes that never overlap in those times of seasonal transition called spring or fall - but dress appropriately, people. If you are wearing spaghetti straps and shorts, you probably don’t need to be wearing that winter hat or scarf. If you need a winter jacket due to the wind chill, I am going to need you to find something other than sandals to wear with it. Stick to one season please – you will have your chance at the others.

Trend Whoring
This occurs when you are no longer able to make appropriate, reality-based judgments about what looks best and most flattering on your body, because you have become so intent on following a trend. I don’t care how popular skinny or ultra low-rise jeans are or were at one point – they are not flattering on most people (myself included). And I know that summer means stores full of clothes with little material or support, like bikinis, strapless dresses, and halter or tube tops. Be careful out there, folks. When shopping, bring a (true) friend that will tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. If you are a trend whore, those are often not the same message. And, remember, just because they make it in your size, does not mean you should wear it or that it will look good on you.

Ass-essorizing
Accessorizing can be tricky. At its best, it can add sparkle to your shine. But one wrong move and it can make an ass of you. Leaving people with a lot of questions. Should I wear a necklace if my shirt has a detailed neckline? What if it is a turtleneck or mock-turtle? How many rings are too many? Does that change if I am wearing bracelets or a watch as well? Are colored socks still okay? If so, which colors? When and how many ways can I accessorize with a scarf/pin/headband? One accessory too many or the wrong accessory can ruin a previously fine outfit. There is a lot of gray area there. When in doubt, don’t wear it. You don’t want to end up like an overly decorated Christmas tree - so much hanging that you actually lose sight of what it is all hanging from.

Home-ly Choices
Don’t wear house shoes past the end of your driveway. That means not to the grocery store, gas station, or (God forbid) work. I don’t care how long you are going to be gone or where you work. And please don’t attend parent-teacher conferences, softball games, or dinners out in pajama pants. There is something to be said for keeping things in the family, or at least the house.

Fashion Faux-Pa and Mama-Me
Please do not let me see you with a spray tan, permanent eye-liner, and a fresh pedi-mani if your children are not clean and clothed appropriately. That is not cute. Like adults, small people like being clean and comfortable too. Please make good choices for your children. Wipe their faces, comb their hair, and wash their hands. Put a warm coat and mittens on them in the winter (not in the summer though – what we talked about above regarding appropriate seasonal dress applies to all ages). Make sure they wear seat belts, sunscreen, and clean diapers. Yes, give them some choice to be creative – let them flaunt a cape, dress-up tiara, or rain boots when it is not raining. But insist on shoes while they walk across any parking lot or public bathroom. Those are not times for freedom of expression.

Most importantly, please remember that this is not about how much money you have to spend or being hip to the latest and greatest. You can have all the money and clothes in the world, and still look crazy as hell. I am not suggesting that anyone give into the consumer craze of retail (and all it entails). I am just asking that we all make good, everyday choices with what we have available to us. Personal style is possible on any budget. Hope you find yours.